Elian Gonzalez Says That Penis Size Should Be Limited for Immigrants

March 27th, 2015

Elian Gonzalez
n a recent report on cable news, Presidential candidate Elian Gonzalez says that the penis size of immigrants will be limited under his Presidency, and by Executive Order if necessary.

In a statement, just issued through a translator, Mr. Gonzalez says, “Penises may not be larger than yay big.”  He went on to insist that limiting penis size would make Americans feel much more exceptional than normal American exceptionalism usually instills.

It is not clear if Mr. Gonzalez was referring to length or girth, but as girth is not humanly possible, we presume he was referring to length.

Elian Gonzalez Performs at The Metropolitan Opera

March 27th, 2015

Elian Gonzalez Live at The Met
n his bid for the Presidency, Elian Gonzalez took a brief break to fulfill a life long dream of performing “Die Zauberflote” at the Met.  When asked if he found anything Freudian about a middle aged man singing at the the top of his voice about a Magic Flute, his translator replied, “What in hell is, um, a Freudian?”

A campaign spokesperson later said that Elian had fulfilled one of his dreams, and now intends to fulfill another of his dreams, becoming President of the United States.  The spokesperson added, “Sometimes a Magic Flute is just a magic flute.”

Elian Gonzalez Describes Perfect American Tits

March 26th, 2015

Elian Gonzales
n further news today, Elian Gonzales explained how perfect American tits should be shaped.  While not covered by the left wing news media, this lecture was extremely popular among immigrant communities wishing to conform with American tit standards.

Republicans believe that Elian’s outreach, especially to the areola, will strengthen their support among American women.

Elian Gonzalez Announces Presidential Run

March 23rd, 2015

Elian Gonzales

After much deliberation, former exile Elian Gonzales announced his run for the Presidency this morning.

In a much anticipated announcement, Elian, through a translator, explained that because he is Cuban, and because he has been on American soil, that the “wet foot, dry foot” policy of the United States makes him much more American than any Muslim from Kenya.

He expressed outrage that he wasn’t made President already, and didn’t know why America would elect that Saddam Hussein guy, while he was perfectly willing to take the job.

Liberals Hate Michelle Bachmann Because She Gets Freaky in a Conservative Way.

July 22nd, 2011


Liberals just can’t stand the idea that a chick as hot as this will screw enough to have 47 kids, and have a career.  They think that everyone should fit their mold, and hang around like a bunch of hippy bull dykes, and bitch about porn all day.  It is hard to remember how to do it, if you have been smokin’ weed all day for the last fifty years.


See, liberals think that only lesbians should get to have sex, and only with lesbians.  That is why they can’t understand why Ms. Bachmann, and Ms. Palin like to get their freak on.  If all you had to screw was stinky old lesbians, that hate men, then why would you want to be a liberal.  Come on over to my side, all you Commies.  Of, course, I don’t really want the competition in that market.  Conservative chicks rock.  They like to screw, they like to take showers, and they shave.

Obama Is an Ineffective Soviet Nazi

January 25th, 2011

Any idiot knows that Obama’s agenda is to become supreme dictator of a Marxist utopia.  That he can only take over small amounts just goes to show how completely ineffective he is.  If he had balls like Reagan then we would be like Stalinist Russia.  That is proof of how ineffective he is.

The Oil Spill Is Good for the Environment

May 10th, 2010

Not only is oil safe and good for the environment, but it hardly ever has any problems.  Like Rush Limbaugh said, “Oil is as natural as the ocean water.”  We know that left over oil, and other types of  what liberals call “pollutants” are recycled through what is called an abiogenic process through tectonic activity.  There is no way that oil could form in less than the 6000 years our Earth has been around the way those tree huggers say.  If we don’t spill oil, or pollute every once in a while then our grandchildren won’t have any.  Think of the oil, and other fuels, as investments in our future energy security.  By pumping the oil out, and bringing it to America, that means we will be the most oil rich country in a few generations.

Another good reason to get the oil out of the ground before the Earth makes too much, is because it is really hot in the ground, and the oil might blow up.  The Russians figured this out, and look at how much more oil they have than us.  We can’t just let the oil stay there and build up.  Besides, if you wanted to have an oil spill, doesn’t it make much more sense to have it in the water, where it is a lot harder for it to blow up.

Women’s Rights and Civil Rights Result in Everyone Being Equally Treated Like Shit

March 9th, 2010

I like it that the circle is complete.  The old gals get theirs.  I also like it that we have massively increased our labor base.  Equal rights means that we can make every one work and that dumb jackasses can be replaced.  There is much more demand for their jobs.  Our workforce is massive and we don’t have to pay for it.

Congratulations, and joking aside, I mean it.  It is time you were recognized for your service.  I wish the very best to you and your families.

We appreciate your service.

Richard Timothy Bagges

Facebook Is a Bunch of Communists

February 9th, 2010

I got kicked off in three days for “repeat offenses” and “egregious violations.”  They can’t handle the truth and are as liberal as the rest of the media.  My sister pointed out that they are an extremely large “commune of people that don’t have to pay for the service.”  Most of the people on Facebook are damn Chinese and Russian communists, not to mention that they let the left wing media and the Democrat Party do what ever they want.

They said that I was “promoting myself professionally.”  How damn communist can you get?  They are against capitalism, but they let Democrats promote themselves.  They said that I “misrepresented myself and my affiliations.”  That is because they want Big Brother to be watching my “affiliations.”   They said that I used “obscene, pornographic and sexually explicit photos.”  I “depicted graphic violence.”

These people even had the nerve to say that I “threatened, intimidated, and harassed,” and that I brought ” unwanted attention” and “embarrassment to an individual or group of people.”  Yea, the individual was Chairman Mao, and the group was the bunch of Communists that run that place.

I’ve gotta go.  I feel a little soiled by their gay, commie, cooties.

Just Because I Got on Facebook Does Not Make Me Gay

January 20th, 2010

I didn’t want to do it, but there is just too much going on.  I know that I get in trouble with you guys when I take the jet out for a long weekend, and I hope that this helps me stay in touch while I’m scouting for some bald Republican bush between the waves.

I don’t have any friends yet, though I’ve only been on there for about three minutes and don’t have a fucking clue as to what I am doing.  I’m going to try to link here.  I’m not promising anything; I’m just going to try.  If this doesn’t work, I’m sure I can get some dork from downstairs to fix it for me.