Archive for March, 2015

Elian Gonzalez Says That Penis Size Should Be Limited for Immigrants

Friday, March 27th, 2015

Elian Gonzalez
I
n a recent report on cable news, Presidential candidate Elian Gonzalez says that the penis size of immigrants will be limited under his Presidency, and by Executive Order if necessary.

In a statement, just issued through a translator, Mr. Gonzalez says, “Penises may not be larger than yay big.”  He went on to insist that limiting penis size would make Americans feel much more exceptional than normal American exceptionalism usually instills.

It is not clear if Mr. Gonzalez was referring to length or girth, but as girth is not humanly possible, we presume he was referring to length.

Elian Gonzalez Performs at The Metropolitan Opera

Friday, March 27th, 2015

Elian Gonzalez Live at The Met
I
n his bid for the Presidency, Elian Gonzalez took a brief break to fulfill a life long dream of performing “Die Zauberflote” at the Met.  When asked if he found anything Freudian about a middle aged man singing at the the top of his voice about a Magic Flute, his translator replied, “What in hell is, um, a Freudian?”

A campaign spokesperson later said that Elian had fulfilled one of his dreams, and now intends to fulfill another of his dreams, becoming President of the United States.  The spokesperson added, “Sometimes a Magic Flute is just a magic flute.”

Elian Gonzalez Describes Perfect American Tits

Thursday, March 26th, 2015

Elian Gonzales
I
n further news today, Elian Gonzales explained how perfect American tits should be shaped.  While not covered by the left wing news media, this lecture was extremely popular among immigrant communities wishing to conform with American tit standards.

Republicans believe that Elian’s outreach, especially to the areola, will strengthen their support among American women.

Elian Gonzalez Announces Presidential Run

Monday, March 23rd, 2015

Elian Gonzales

After much deliberation, former exile Elian Gonzales announced his run for the Presidency this morning.

In a much anticipated announcement, Elian, through a translator, explained that because he is Cuban, and because he has been on American soil, that the “wet foot, dry foot” policy of the United States makes him much more American than any Muslim from Kenya.

He expressed outrage that he wasn’t made President already, and didn’t know why America would elect that Saddam Hussein guy, while he was perfectly willing to take the job.